Super Happy Gay Christmas Fun 'con Merry Fun Time
by Negare
Summary: Its Christmas. Several Decepticons experience the joys of this festive season. Shenanigans aplenty abound! Full title inside as FF wouldn't fit the whole thing
1. Chapter 1

**Author's NB: ** Last year's Christmas story was based around Optimus, this year it's around Megatron. I thought I wouldn't be so preachy this year and so intend to inflict my warped sense of humour into it.

As for the title… well, seriously, as a person who enjoys anything that involves a series of explosions, a disembowelling or two, a throng of zombies and general mayhem, I always notice "gleeful" titles in the flicks I tend to avoid like the plague. I thought I'd take the piss out of it.

Furthermore, I'm aware its not even close to the big day, but I'm going to be insanely busy around then, and spending Christmas with my mum, who refuses to evolve beyond dial up. I am NOT going to attempt to upload stories to fanfiction over dial up!

ooOOoo

**Happy Fun Gay Super Merry Decepticon Happy Merry Fun Christmas Time**

**(the old meaning of "gay")**

**Chapter One**

There were four things Rumble and his equally delinquent brother Frenzy liked about flesh creatures.

1. WWF (much to Megatron's annoyance).

2. Jackass. (much to Soundwave's annoyance).

3. Home brew. (much to Hook's annoyance).

4. Christmas. (much to EVERYONE's – especially so, Deadend's annoyance).

The first three, well, they were pretty much self explanatory. Megatron didn't mind so much the WWF phase as long as it was directed at the Autobots, he for one, did not like being "close lined" by a cassette. Soundwave's grievances with Jackass stemmed not so much from the swearing, Primus knew the young twins had picked up their fair share from hanging around the Sleekers, but rather, that actual lack of success two small robots could have engaging in activities that usually harmed humans. How so? Well, the event where Rumble… well… it was too unpleasant to mention, but it involved a hive of bees and a horse. Homebrew, occasionally, if done correctly, high grade was a morale boaster, but usually it was Swindle who managed to "locate" an appropriate substitute, Frenzy's special recipe, as he was marketing it, was actually just kerosene and Coke. (not the drug). Regardless, such a mixture caused an influx of Decepticons to the repair bay to all bother Hook and interrupt his own carefully chosen and equally pedantic projects.

Ah, but Christmas, that was something that grated everyone's servos raw. Megatron was happy for Decepticons to spend their own time doing whatever pleased them, but it came with three rules:

1. Don't blow up the base.

2. Don't blow up the energon stores.

3. Don't blow up Megatron.

Such rules worked well… most of the time. But with Christmas, well, Megatron had stated on numerous occasion his dislike of humanity and especially any holiday they had crafted which involved "good will towards others", "peace" and "compassion" on Earth. The whole notion made him sick. He was aware, but not interested in, the human religious aspect of the day. And he was aware, and amused by, the human need to purchase objects of little use and then give them to others. It actually made him laugh to think humans were so attracted to such shiny things, but on the other hand, it annoyed him to no ends to think of all that precious energy the humans were wasting to make and then dispose of these iRods and Wees and Rags. Stupid creatures, he would grumble as he turned his attentions to the latest scheme.

But Christmas… how did Rumble and Frenzy develop such a like to such a concept? If they were human they would be considered to be in the age range of 14 – 16, just past the time of belief in Santa, but still young enough to be excited about the prospect of obtaining new gadgets. Time off school would have applied if they had been human, and what 14 – 16 year old boy wouldn't be dancing with (l33t) glee over that one? The first they came to know of it was a Simpsons' Christmas special, one where Bart accidently caused a destructive fire and then conned the town into giving them presents. The Simpsons were then banned by Megatron after all three of the aforementioned rules were summarily broken.

The twins then "Googled" Christmas and got a raft of websites from how Christmas was a tool of something called the "patriarch", some claimed that some people called the "Christians" stole it from some other people called "Pagans" who were then massacred – the twins liked that part, others were about Santa and Frosty, but the broad majority focussed on "sales" and "bargains" the humans could get from "doing all your Christmas shopping online".

What they found most fantastical about Christmas, was the opportunity to cause some mischief. The first Christmas they were aware, Frenzy decided to cause some distress to humans. Finding such things amusing, being a Decepticon "teenager" and all. He and Rumble had their own competition to see who could cause the most humans the most distress.

Frenzy action's that year horrified both human and Autobot authorities. But he lost the competition given that the Autobots invited all effected families to the Ark where Prime dressed as Santa gave out a raft of exciting presents, toys that did not exist in any human store. The cheeky con decided to break into human dwellings and steal the presents from under the tree.

Rumble wasn't to be outdone, his actions involved breaking into morgue and taking a rather large human male with a bushy white beard. He then obtained the bodies of several dead deer. He constructed a rather horrific scene outside one of the biggest orphanages on the night where several schools of children had come to compete in a carols contest. When they started to leave the venue that evening they came upon a site that looked like Santa had crashed on the front yard and he and all his reindeer (including a red nosed one) had died awful deaths from awful injuries.

He hadn't finished there; Rumble then posted the images on the internet on several children focussed websites and even went so far as to hack the TV net work signals.

There was very little Optimus Prime and his Santa hat could do to reverse the damage that the little punk had done. Megatron had found it all highly amusing. But ordered Rumble to shower constantly given the stink of dead deer. As Christmas was nearing, Optimus Prime had his Autobots on high alert. Every year the twins had managed to outdo themselves in the "mentally scar the children of earth – insert evil laughter here –. Subsequent Christmas antics should not be given mention due to the explicit nature of their… well… _unpleasantness._

Rumble sat on one of the couch's in the rec room, bouncing a small ball against the wall to the side of the large screen that was displaying some strange human show. Incredibly large humans that had definitely exceeded their acceptable mass were panting and wheezing their way up a small incline, carrying with them sacks of cake and pie.

"This blows!"

Rumble threw the ball at the button on the screen, flicking the channel to something where humans on the opposite end of the size spectrum had removed their outer garments and were trying to appear alluring.

"Man! That's even worse! Nothing worse then their stick sized fleshies!"

"There's gotta be something else we can do!"

Rumble flicked the ball at his brother's head.

"Hey!"

Frenzy growled.

"Ooh, I know what we can do…"

Frenzy suddenly added as he caught Rumble's ball.

"Remember the three rules!"

"Nah, bro, don't you know what time of year it is!!"

"What?"

"You kerosene douche bag!! It's the 23rd December, two more days to Fleshmas!"

"HAHAHAH! With all the excitement of blowing up oil refineries and smacking over Autobots, I'd forgotten".

"Well, then, bro, lets get our plans up and running and may the best cassette win!"

"Hahaha! Thanks, bro!"

The two exchanged glares of competition and then each hurried off to their own quiet place to craft their shenanigans.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Skywarp, known to many as a prankster, was not to be outdone by the constant annual mishaps of Rumble and Frenzy. He for one was sick of the fleshbags' news coverage giving all the kudos… well… "blame", to the cassette twins. This bothered him. This annoyed him. This was just a great big pain in the aft. Megatron tolerated the twin's antics in so much as they did not, well, hadn't recently, disobeyed the three rules. Skywarp, had given five years consideration to this plan, five long solar cycles of scheming and general mayhem to the idea that grew as a small bud in his CPU till it was a huge treeatron just waiting to rupture out of his cranial casing and into the lives of the fleshbags' offspring.

How delightful this would be. He considered as he smirked. Those in his way moved themselves quickly to be on the cuff of his visual range, in case one such random side thought exploded into some nasty joke committed against them on such childish whims. He reached his destination.

"Ooh, this is gonna be great!"

He cackled devilishly as he rubbed his hands together with a body language that would send a shudder down even Ironhide's linkage. In the centre of the large storage bay packaged nicely in a large crate was a device deemed so destructive, so inherently maniacal, so ticklishly unstable and thus, defectively uncontrollable that it bordered on insane. To dare attempt its usage, to even so much as to quietly steal a look, to just simply think about sniffing the crate was enough to incur the wrath of Megatron. How had he phrased it?

"Seditiously prohibited".

And speaking of sedition, not even Screamer had, or would attempt to cross Megatron on this one. The three rules aside, this rule stood OUTSIDE the three rules, and yet at the same time, included them. As to use this thing, shielded behind that crate, nestled deep within foam chips, it was, indeed, an affront to the three rules – and last time it had been used all three rules had been broken. And spectacularly so.

How had such a device come to exist?

What thoughtless, sparkless malefactor, what villainous reprobate, what… what… scoundrel had given birth to this… thing? From who's twisted, disillusioned and morally bankrupt CPU had this thing sprouted its repugnant desire?

Well, no other then Wheeljack himself.

Yip, that's right boys and girls and any other creature devoid of a class of gender. It was none other then the Autobot inventor/pyromaniac Wheeljack. It had not found existence at the hands of a Deception, not a Constructicon or one of Shockwave's charge, nor the guardian himself. Not even Soundwave in his moments of hidden creative flares.

It had been an Autobot.

Oh, the irony had been so delicious, that the mere prospect of an Autobot creating such a doomsday device, well, when Laserbeak returned (singed) and replayed the testing footage… Megatron had on what could only be described as his "interface face". The after footage of Optimus Prime, (also singed) explaining to Wheeljack (missing all four limbs and a vocal flashy head fin) that said "doomsday" device (his words) was too dangerous and had to be locked away for ever on level nine. Wheeljack countered with "Well, isn't that what you said about the Dinobots?"

To which, of course, Ratchet entered the conversation, which, as Ratchet had a habit of doing, violently ended it.

Wheeljack accepted this. As the process of think of thing, design thing, build thing, test thing, thing explodes taking out any number of unfortunate individuals and limbs in process, get repaired by Ratchet, get yelled at Ratchet at the same time, have "words" with Prime, put thing on level nine, think of new thing… this was now a well structured and well learnt habit. The inventor no longer took it personally.

Skywarp lifted the crate's lid with an uncharismatic care. He brushed aside the foam chips and reached inside.

It was such an unassuming little muck of a creation. There was no huge cannon appendage, no raft of dials and no "severity" metre. It was a boring little pink, of all colours, triangular shaped thing with an "on/off" switch.

And that was it. Nothing exciting about it. Of course, now having committed sedition, the jet was in no mood to put an end to his antics… he'd come this far, and no point in giving up now. Checking multiple times that the switch was indeed in the "off" position and that it was a stable switch, he sub-spaced it.

Time to have some fun. (Insert evil laughter).

--

Thundercracker, or TC to his buddies and those bigger then him, knew his brother well enough to know when his demented little CPU had crafted something that was probably going to end in disaster, especially for TC.

"What are _you_ up to?"

"Why, TC, I'm offended, that almost sounds like an accusation".

"It is an accusation".

"Well, TC, by brother, my friend, my "support person", I have to tell you something very important".

"Yes… wait? Support person?"

"Yeah, I saw it coined on some TV show about a bunch of fat offal sacks".

"Offal sacks?"

"Yeah… its my…"

"Let me guess, new term to describe the humans?"

"Yeah! How'd you know?"

"I know you, _that's _how I know".

"Hehe, true!"

"Now, what are you up too?"

"Well, as I was saying… or about to say… I had an idea…"

"Oh slag".

"Wait, you haven't even heard my idea!"

"I don't have to, as I've had enough experience with your ideas".

Insert flash back one:

Skywarp, Starscream and TC flying low over Cybertron. Skywarp called to his brothers "I have an idea".

Said idea involved flying so low in the hope of scaring the ground thumping Autobots…

Problem with said idea was that Brawn and Ironhide were part of said group of ground thumpers, and those two retrorat Autobots Transformed, turned and caught Skywarp mid strafe. He pulled up, Autobots still attached, who then proceeded to jump onto TC and Screamer and stare the two flanking the prankster jet into prankster jet and then into the ground.

Insert flash back two:

Skywarp, Motormaster, Megatron and TC trapped in some hole… the humans gave it a name "Grand canyon". Skywarp "I have an idea".

Said idea involved firing upwards at the Autobots on the cliff face above, thinking that said cliff face would collapse bringing the Autobots crashing down to their untimely offlinning. (the internal thought earning an external laugh). Said idea didn't work, the Autobots weren't standing where Skywarp thought they were, and all that happened was a cascade of rocks covering all mentioned Decepticons, and particularly so their leader.

Insert flashback three:

Megatron annoyed with Autobots. Wanted something from Autobots and so thusly decided to kidnap one of the Autobot's resident fleshbags. Megatron had settled on Carly, wife of the Ambassador of Earth, and the Decepticon leader explained, the females are particularly vulnerable, thus eliciting more sympathy and protective urges from the heroic dunderheads.

Well, Skywarp was sent to complete the mission. He reported, upon reaching his destination that Carly was not present. He then replied to Megatron:

"Don't worry, boss, _I have an idea_".

Said idea involved kidnapping the newborn Daniel Witwicky.

The newborn Daniel Witwicky with a stomach flu.

The newborn Daniel Witwicky with a stomach flu that when grasped by Megatron proceeded to explode unpleasant human fluids from multiple orifices all over the Decepticon commander.

There were various other flashbacks that sped through TC's CPU, but it was at this event that Megatron added a "footnote" to the three rules. Skywarp, if you have an idea, keep it to yourself!

Thundercracker returned his attention to the conversation with this little gem:

"I know all about _your _ideas".

"Oh, bro! You offend me!"

"Look, Warp, just don't go doing anything stupid… and I really don't think I want to know anything else about anything you're planning!"

Skywarp laughed in response, shrugged and then went on his way.

On his way to duty TC ran into his brother Starscream. Starscream could tell immediately by the look on the other's face.

"Skywarp has an idea, doesn't he?"

"Yip".

"Slag".

"Yiiip".


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The events that transpired before Starscream came into contact with his brother had him in the process of informing Megatron, _again_, just how great Starscream was, just how much the Decepticons needed him, how fantastic his flying skills were, how insightful his ideas, how inspiring his leadership, how successful his actions how…

"Starscream. If you don't cease your vocal functioning I will slam your aft through it".

Megatron said calmly, in no mood to expend energy attempting to come up with a sardonically wittier rebuttal.

Starscream, not to be outdone or silenced, continued to inform Megatron that without Starscream how Megatron could come up with insults to hurl at the Autobots during battle. Onslaught who was standing with Blastoff, both overseeing the hacking and programming of a human weapons satellite, ignored the antics of the second in command.

Starscream began in on bringing up his statistics from the Decepticon flight academy and it was at that point he went flying across the room, and not under his own power. Onslaught took a slight side step to the left and Screamer smacked into the wall just behind the Combaticon.

"I say, Starscream, have you not established CPU relays to remind you of the fate you face when you inform Megatron of your…_ grandeur_?"

Blastoff chortled as he looked down at the tangled and less then gracefully posed seeker.

"Ram it up your exhaust pipe, you clunker".

"Oh, how astute you are with your semantics".

"Yes, quite a keen and powerfully astute grasp of offence".

Onslaught added. The two Combaticons laughing.

"Silence! Onslaught are you nearing completion of your task?"

Megatron growled.

"Why, of course, Commander, our timing is never defective and always running to _your _schedule".

"See that it is! Starscream, I believe you are due for duty. What is it this shift? Oh, yes, that's right, disposal unit cleaning".

It was a miracle, in Onslaught's opinion that Megatron was able to contain that smirk and the laugh that was brewing behind those crimson optics. The second grumbled something in an ancient Decepticon tongue and left, fists balled, head down, still grumbling obscenities.

Megatron uttered his own profanities and turned back to his own task, which seemed to be nagging Soundwave in regards to the latest information obtained from his cassettes.

--

So, those were the events before Starscream ran into TC and TC's facial expression told Screamer that Skywarp had an _idea._

Starscream had to cut short his conversation, well, interrogation of TC, and part of him was glad so as there was nothing worse then being in on, or being aware of anything that manifested in Skywarp's CPU. What was the term… he considered it for a moment… the humans called "plausible deniability". A concept where one who should know better doesn't actually know at all and thus can then claim complete ignorance and thus complete innocence. Not to mention, if Screamer was seen to be at his post and well behaved for the next deca cycle or something, then perhaps he could actually have some level of sincerity when he tells Megatron he had nothing to do with it.

Of course, it then gave the usually second in command an idea.

What if he came up with his own idea?

What if he planned something that destroyed the Autobots?

Megatron couldn't be angry at him then.

And if Skywarp did cause rampant destruction throughout the base, then at least Screamer could say "Look, mighty Megatron, I did this great thing that destroyed the Autobots".

IT would either cover his arse, or elevate it from beyond the "guilty by association" label the seekers found themselves slapped with when Skywarp had an _idea._

So, all he had to do now, was come up with an idea of his own. The seeker sighed softly, well; it was actually quite gratey, as he reached the location of his shift. He grumbled a string of curses to himself as he gathered the supplies he needed and he went to clean the first disposal unit.

"Just have to come up with an idea".

He said out loud to himself as he scrubbed at a rather stubborn stain of processed energon.


End file.
